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How to Make Me Shake

Madison B

“Sorry, I shouldn’t flash this in your face. You’ll probably have a seizure.”

I can’t express it enough how much it bothers me when people censor themselves around me because they think their behaviors are going to send me into a seizure. I’m glad that they care enough that they want to make sure that I don’t have a seizure around them, but it’s still annoying to do something to other people, but not do it to me because they think it’s going to send me into a seizure.

Fun fact: not all epileptics are triggered by strobe lights. I’ve never been triggered by one. I might be cautious about going around them, but it’s more because they’re obnoxious and give me headaches rather than because they might give me seizures.

So instead of that, I’ll go over my actual triggers. Almost none of which seem like they should be triggers, but here we are.

What would you do if one of the most successful experiences of moving away from home was that you were able to take a shower? Nobody should be scared to take a shower, but after having more than half of my seizures in them I can’t help but be nervous about it. The fear that the wrong kind of shampoos might be in there and trigger one, or I’d have one and my roommates would have to see me naked. The only good that came out of it has been the ability to dislocate my shoulder without having any pain.

Having to deal with showers is bad enough but having to pay attention to the temperatures every day could be almost as bad. Is it too hot out? I might overheat and go into one if I don’t stay inside. Too cold? I might get too cold and shiver so much I go into one. Most people only look at it to think about what outfit they’re going to wear, I think about it to determine the potential odds that I might go into a seizure.

When it comes to just my senses, I have to pay attention to what I go near and what is being used in my food. Is someone in my household using Head and Shoulders shampoo? I just might have to find a new roommate because their habits are most likely going to send me into a seizure.

Knowing about all of these can exist and not have anything to do with me getting triggered, but the anxiety over having them could trigger one. It’s almost like there’s no winning in these situations.

When in doubt even if I avoid these things perfectly and in every way, I can’t avoid being a woman. The count down for my time of the month is more a count down until the time that I have a constant paranoia of going into a seizure. The hormone changes, the increased heartbeat, the changes in emotions and changes in the number of meds I take. They all lead to a few days of increased chances of having one.

Will new ones develop someday? Probably. Am I content with the ones that I have now? No, I’d rather not have any, but I can survive.

I will survive.

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